Dispite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.

Haven't updated this in a WHILE....

I moved back to New York as of August 29th. Went to Arizona for a week before I acutally came back, met some awesome people. Had an awesome time... blah blah blah...

It's november now....
3 months?
Yeahhhhh. Alot's changed.
Like... I have my own apartment with my boyfriend, Adam Henshaw, now. :]
And I love it.

I just went completly ADD on this so yeah... maybe later? O_o

I have yet to get my laptop back, but I should be getting it within a week and a half my rents said. Then maybe I'll be on more.

But there's still the problem with the internet connection. I don't exactly HAVE one. XD Other then when I'm here at my friends house. Though I think I'll be here alot more from now on because they figured out that i've been staying in the barracks today. They did a fucking random room check while I was in there, which is illegal. -_- lol. They're not supposed to go into rooms without the soldiers who occupy the room knowing And I was just in there sitting on the couch playing solitaire on dan's computer and they randomly unlocked the door and walked in, i didn't think anything of it because I thought it was Dan's room mate Neff at first. Becuase he ususally walks in randomly. But when three guys walked around the corner i was like.. WTF.. o___o They asked me who I was there with I told em Dan and asked where he was n I told them he was working.. which he was.. they started going through stuff, opening drawers they picked up dan's medication and looked at it, when through the clothes on Neffs bed, Went through dan's locker, then left. I texted Dan telling him that they came in and he seemed kinda pissed saying that was illegal and Stupid ol' me started panicing like I tend to do and started shaking then they came back, knocked on the door, I answered because they already knew I was in there (ususally I don't answer the door unless it's Dan or Alex's knock.) They then proceeded to ask if they could get into the guys room next to us though the bathroom, because they share a bathroom with the other room next to us, it's connected so you could just walk through, they also asked me if i had Id and what my name was, I said Nikki (duh.) And got my id, they checked it out and left... 10 fucking minutes later I get another knock on the door, after dan called asking me exactly what happened and I tryed to get ahold of Mike to see if he could give me a ride to here (Brian and Beckys) but he forwerded my calls and replyed to my text saying he was too busy. This one nice guy came to the room and was like.. You're technically not supposed to be here, and since the first sargent now knows you're hear we're going to have to ask you to leave. I didn't know where to go at frist, they told me to get my stuff and come down to the office in the barracks. So I did, I texted dan on my way there saying that they were kicking me out and that I had to leave and he had wanted me to clean up the room a little and lock his wall locker but I had already left at the time and the short dude that did the inspection had already locked the door to the room. So obviously I couldn't. The guy let me into the weight room so that I could call dan in privacy to see if he could come pick me up, and he couldn't because he's on a mission and couldn't get back and told me just to walk to brian and beccas. Which wasn't that far so I didn't really care if I had to walk or not. The guy came back in and was like, well if you have no where to go then I'm not going to make you leave, I'm not a jerk I'm just doing my job. And I was like, Well I'm staying with my friends in housin I was just hanging out in dan's room until he got back from work so I can just walk there, and the guy was like are you sure you don't need a ride and I todl him It was fine, I could walk, so he was like ok, I'm not going to take your name because I don't want to get anyone in trouble and I told him I didn't want to get Dan in trouble and I was sorry and what not and he walked me out and I started walking to Beckys. On my way I started smoking a cigg becasue YAY go nikki, She got herself addicted to smoking. Huge stress relativer. I was wearing Jeans a hoodie and a black t-shirt and walking in the desert in the 109 degree weather. O_O IT was HOT. But I didn't even get half way there and I see Becky drive by then stop and told me to get in the car, and I told her all that happened and she gave me her cellphone number so if I ever need anything like that again to just call her. And then I texted dan to let him know she picked me up and Brian (her husband) Jokingly texted her asking if she usually picked up hitchhikers. XD HAha I was a hitch hiker. and she was like yeah and it was funny. I went with her into a building because she had to sign a car out to some dude then she was talking about the girl that was leaving then we came back here and we've been watching Newly Weds for about two-3 hours now. XD

I hope dan get's back soon lol I'm bored. And I really really really hope I didn't get him in trouble. :////

Just in case you were all wondering.. yes I'm in California.
No I don't plan on moving back to New York.
And yes. I do fucking love it here.


Cell's still active.
Emails Smukkin@yahoo.com
I'm on aim once in a while.
Check myspace once in a while.
And check Vampirefreaks once in a while.

soooo message/call/text meeee.

www.myspace.com/smukkin
www.vampirefreaks.com/finik
aim= Suki Na Kizuato
msn= Smukkin@yahoo.com
Yim= Smukkin



There you be. :]
Email for my phone number

May 12th.
2:43pm.
A plan leaving Rochester New York will have a passanger known as Nicole Killian on it.
Heading to JFK airport.
For her to hang around at that airport for a couple hours.
Then head straight to Las Vegas, Nevada.
For her to spend the night in Vegas with her amazing Guy.
Then to go to her new home the very next day.

Army barracks at fort Irwin for the time being.


:]]] It's officially people!
I'm getting the FUCK out of here.
May couldn't come sooner.



Now all I have to do is tell my 'rents.
Kill my back account here, after my check's cashed.
Say good by to a few people.
Put in my two weeks notice at work.
And find a way to the airport.
It's gonna be amazing. :]]]

So I've been thinking...

About life. Like.. what's the point of staying here? Why are people telling me that my moving to Cali is going to ruin my life and that it's a mistake and That I've so much here to live for.

ALL I DO ALL DAY IS WORK AND HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS... Wegmans doesn't count as a job. You've like NO responsibility.. I swear to god. If one more person tells me this is a mistake I'm going to kill.

I'm going to go through with it. If he still likes me by that time that is..
Just to prove you fuckers wrong.
I absolutly hate it when people tell me I CAN'T do something. I want so badly just to prove everyone wrong.


I have a plan..
I'm moving to Cali..
I'm not going to fuck up my life.
I'm starting over and getting the FUCK out of New York. And away from all the people here I hate...

I'll only miss very few.. I mean VERY few.
I want to make my own mistakes. And if this is going to turn out to be a mistake.. then fuck it. There's plently more mistakes that i'm going to make in the future.
I want to live my own life, instead of living the life my rents want.
I can't stand living at home.
For gods sakes.
I want freedom.
And I'm getting the fUCK out.
It's either Cali or NC.



And I love him... I always have. :///

It feels like I haven't wrote in this in forever...


Guh. It's 6am..
And I'm awake.
Not because I just woke up.
But because I've been up all fucking night..
I can't deal with love shit.
I hate having feelings period...
And I'm crying my brains out.
Life is fucking awesome....


Not to mention I have a concussion prolly.. yeah.. hit my head ohhh.. 3 days ago? -_- and it STILL hurts.. :(

my head hurts, i'm dizzy.. nauseous and now crying.. :(

Yesterday.. was interesting.. among other things.
Right when I woke up I up and went to Brittany's, and picked her up.
We were originally gonna go to Artisanworks in rochester A huge art gallery with Amazing art, and it's sooo fun there. But by the time we woulda got there it wouldn't have really been worth it to pay to get in then stay for an hour n a half.
We walked around main street CA. went to the sixty's shop and talked to Matt. Robbie called me because we were calling him to get him to come with us to The House Of Guitars. Since that's open past 6 and you don't have to pay to get in anyway. But he couldn't go because he had class at 5.
So me n britt. when to the HOG and met up with Coco. we were at the hog until about 6:30 then went to Greece ridge and I got Juan to go there.. Little did I know he'd be with Michelle. So I was pretty much ignored the whole time. Meh, oh well, he's my ex anyway I shouldn't have cared... but I didn't even get a huge and Honestly.. it made me sad. So I didn't really say much to him other then by when I left... :( I'm retarded. But oh well.
So britt called Robbie, and we went back to Canandaguia and hung out in his dorm until My mom n dad made me come home, which pissed me off but oh well I'll live..
I met more people from there. XD Ben, "d-bag" i think his real name was tylor, franz or whatever his name was, and that one kid, the music racist. XD those guys are so funny. :)
I love the people there. and I've decided. that I'm going to FLCC this fall. And I'm living in the dorms if i can get my rents to help out with money.
Like them pay for some of my college, or at least help out and shit.
Becuase it's like 5 minutes away from home where I would be living. But it's so fucking fun there and like franz said, it would be so much better then having my rents telling me what to do still because I still live at home.

Saturday night while I was drunk I found out for sure that Jeremy Copp had committed suicide Monday...
And I was bawling my fucking eyes out.
Then I fucking get home yesterday to find that Josh Lewis is dead too.
Died in a house fire... He was sleeping... and didn't get up. :(
Why the fuck did this have to happen?
I can cry when I'm drunk.
But right now it's fucking impossible for me to cry.
I want to so badly.
I can feel it, I feel like I'm going to cry.
But It won't fucking come out...
I don't think I've really stopped shaking since I found out about Josh.
I don't know what to do. I want to help someone or something.
And I don't know how long I'm going to last at work...
The only reason I'm a little better is because Kevin called me earlier..
And I got to talk to him a little and he wanted to hang out today but I have to work..
which i don't even know if i'll make it.
So he's calling me sometime again this week.
I hope we can hang out soon. :( I really do.
He'd help... He'd cheer me up. :(
My week already had been sucking and now i find out about those two.
I'm falling apart.. I don't know what the fuck else to do other then curl up in a little ball on my bed, cover my ears and shut my eyes tight or listen to music in that same position...
How long is this going to last?
Not to mention when I finally fell asleep and woke up today my throat hurts now, i've a killer headache. and i can barly swallow... It's awesome.. :(

Meh. Fuck it i'm done.

I've kinda decided to take xanga and LJ back up.

True story.

Dan's picking me up when he gets outa work and stuff and we're hanging out.
Then going up to roch to pick up Sean at the airport.
Then going over to Lana n Nicks and I'll be their until sunday night.
I still gotta find a way to get sean BACK to the airport sunday. XD
Dan was going to but he has to move shit outa his deadgrandma's house.
And Lilers car might be in the shop. O_o
So Idk how i'ma get him back XD
N idk how Ima get to Dustin's house once I do get him back.
FUCK -falls over-


Emmmm Vodka grape tonight. ^_^ -dances-
Mix VU Grape with Mnt Dew. <333
Skittles.
Taste like grape skittles.<3333333 ^_^.



I wanna ride a machanical bull.
OMFG.
THAT FOAM PIT LOOKS KICK ASS!
-is watching cribs-
XD
HAHAHAHA the guy missed the foam pit. O_Ohehehehe.


Yeahhhh i'm done.

Have you ever really just sat and made an attempt to look at your life? and consider things in it.. like what's important, what you're making yourself look like to others. Who you're friends with, What they think of you?
Yeah, me either.
But it's a good thought. I should prolly do that.
I've done things the past two months that I regret.. yet I don't regret at all. Because I don't really care at all..
This confuses me though.
And I'm not going to elaborate on that so you reading this will understand.
Because I don't want you to understand.
If you actually know me... then you'll understand.. and you'll prolly yell at me, call me an idiot.. or a few other names I could think of.
I know I am what you think I am.
But... I don't give a fuck.
I don't care about myself enough anymore to actually give a fuck what other people think of me too.
Specially douche bags I don't even know that don't have the balls enough to actually tell me who they are when they talk shit to me on aim.
How... high school.
Hahaha he was fucking 22.. older then me. But I'm a hell of a lot more mature... and sane for that fact.
Oh well.
My cousin backed me up.
And it's good to know Paul does care about me... at least it seems he does. Because I honestly didn't even think he liked me. -shrug-
I'm just the type of person to think her entire family hates her. XD Which I wouldn't doubt it if they did.


If I died... who would cry? T_T